Sexual Misconduct - Intimate Partner Violence

IPV may include various types of harm, such as (adapted from REACH Beyond Domestic Violence):

• Physical - This includes punching, hitting, slapping, kicking, strangling, or physically restraining a partner against their will. It can also include driving recklessly or invading someone’s physical space, and making someone feel physically unsafe in any other way.
• Sexual - While sexual abuse can be a form of physical abuse, we put it in a category by itself because it can include both physical and emotional/verbal components. It can involve rape or other forced sexual acts, or withholding or using sex as a weapon. An abusive partner might also use sex as a means to judge their partner and assign a value – in other words, criticizing or saying that someone isn’t good enough sexually or that sex is the only thing they’re good for. Because sex may often have emotional and cultural implications, there are ways that the feelings around it can be uniquely used for power and control. It wasn’t until 1993 that marital rape was illegal in all 50 states. Some people may still assume that sex is something a partner is entitled to, and not recognize it as a larger pattern of power and control.
• Emotional/Verbal - Some survivors have pointed out that while the signs of physical abuse might be noticeable to a friend or family member, the effects of verbal/emotional abuse are harder to spot, and harder to prove. As one survivor puts it, “My ex-husband used words like weapons; like shards of glass, cutting and slowly draining my life, until I had nearly none left. I didn’t think I was abused because he didn’t hit me- usually… I had begun to believe his awful lies- how worthless I was, how stupid, how ugly, and how no one would ever want me.” 
• Mental/Psychological - Mental or psychological abuse happens when one partner, through a series of actions or words, wears away at the other’s sense of mental wellbeing and health. It often involves making a person doubt their own sanity. This is often referred to as “gaslighting.” We’ve heard stories of abusers deliberately moving car keys or a purse, dimming the lights, and flat-out denying that certain things had taken place. The result of this, especially over a sustained period of time – and often with the isolation that abusers also tend to use – is that the person depends more on the abuser because they don’t trust their own judgment. They may also hesitate to tell anyone about the abuse, for fear they won’t be believed. 
• Financial/Economic - Because abuse is about power and control, an abuser may use any means necessary to maintain that control, and this may include finances. Whether it is controlling all of the budgeting in the household, denying someone access to their own bank accounts or spending money, or running up debts in someone’s name, this type of abuse can often be a reason why someone feels unable to leave the relationship. 
• Cultural/Identity - Cultural abuse happens when abusers use aspects of a person’s cultural identity to inflict suffering or as a means of control. Not letting someone observe the dietary or dress customs of their faith, using racial slurs, threatening to ‘out’ someone as LGBTQ if their friends and family don’t know, or isolating someone who doesn’t speak the dominant language where they live – all of these are examples of cultural abuse.

Multiple types of harm may be present at various points in an IPV relationship. These types of abuse can also happen via technology (e.g. devices, social media, etc.). This is called “cyber abuse” or “technology-facilitated abuse.” You can read more about this by visiting our page on Cyber Abuse.

The Cycle of Violence

While the dynamics within an IPV relationship are complex in real life, research has developed a simplified overview of the pattern that often occurs.  This three-stage “Cycle of Violence” shows how love for one’s partner, hope for an improved relationship without abuse, and fear of retaliation for ending the relationship, keeps the cycle in motion. The length of the cycle may vary, although the violence almost always escalates over time.

• Stage One: Tension Building
• Stage Two: Violence
• Stage Three: Honeymoon/ Seduction

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